Sushrutha Kiran

Back in December of 2017 there was a WhatsApp message about a little one year old girl from a partner organization that worked with another orphanage in Hyderabad. It wasn’t unusual for SCH to get requests to take children and as we skimmed her records I remember my heart dropping. The reports that accompanied the message weren’t good. This child was sick and would only get sicker. I remember sitting in my bedroom talking to Brittany who I co-fostered with at the time. This baby had a life limiting diagnosis. How could we take her and willing love a child that we didn’t know if she would make it till Christmas? But how could we not. A couple of days later we headed to the hospital to pick up Sushrutha (Talitha) and she came back to Anchor Gold.

Those first weeks with Sushrutha were blurs. She slept all day and cried almost non-stop in the night. Brittany and I took care of her and took different shifts of sleep so we could take turns rocking her. We were unwilling to exposure our caregivers to the pain of loving and losing a child. Instead of being the Mother Theresa I thought I would be taking care of a baby on comfort care I was grumpy and sleep deprived. There were many nights I sat frustrated with her in a rocking chair, begging her to sleep. And despite the unknowns Sushrutha stayed with us. She grew and she got sick and we would all hold our breathes wondering if this was the end. And then she would come home from the hospital and we would all sigh a breathe of relief. Hope felt too fragile so we held on for one more day with our little bird. Eventually one of our caregivers, Nagalaxmi, declared that Sushrutha was her baby and stole her from Brittany and I’s care. I always think how much I could learn from the caregivers who worked at SCH. They were so much more skilled at knowing how to love and also how to let go. They nurtured and loved kids and then handed them over to their adoptive parents. How naive to think that I was protecting them by keeping Sushrutha to ourselves when in reality they would always teach me more about how to love. From the moment Nagalaxmi started taking care of Sushrutha she was always the best dressed child. Nagalaxmi loved Sushrutha deep.

Sushrutha’s health was rocky and she would get better and then decline. As my time at SCH came to a close Sushrutha no longer cried all night. She was tethered to an oxygen concentrator and a continuous pulse ox. Once Salim was adopted she started sleeping in bed with me, filling my empty nights when I got sad and ensuring that we could quickly catch if she was struggling. The day I left to come back to the States I held her and cried, convinced that I would never see her again on this side of earth. Her health then was so fragile and everyday she was alive seemed like a stolen miracle. Then I watched her from afar. And she not only lived but she started to thrive. She had bumps along the way but she celebrated birthdays, Christmas’, and got to go places that weren’t the hospital. And when I went to visits SCH last May she was one of the first children I said hi to, in disbelief that she was still here, kicking her legs and making her ankle chains jingle. Her checks just as prefect as ever and her beloved Nagalaxmi still ensuring her hair and outfit matching.

Sushrutha continued to do well until she didn’t. Last December I expected to get a message any day saying that she had passed away. But then she slowly got better and had a couple of good months before she passed away suddenly but peacefully. When I look back on Sushrutha’s life I see everyday miracles. So often we try to find God in the earthquakes but instead he’s there in the still, small voice. He was there in Sushrutha. There was no miracleous healing but there was birthdays that we never thought she would celebrate. There was days and nights that He sustained her. God was there in the miracle that was her life. He was there in the love Nagalaxmi poured out on her. He was there in the lives of her biological family. He was there throughout it all and despite it all. No moment of her time on earth was wasted and her story is a firm testament to the miracles that we so often trip over, craning our necks to find bigger and better things when the best things are already right in front of us. Sushrutha was an invitation to enjoy everyday for exactly what it was and nothing else. The world is a little less quiet without her ankle chains jingling as she kicked her legs but what a miracle her life truly was.

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Balraj

On May 23, 2015 I walked into the “playroom” at Rescue. I had been in India less then 24 hours and was completely overwhelmed and second guessing myself. As I scanned the room around me I saw lots of little kids but I found myself drawn to Balraj’s (Thomas’) bed. He was just laying there amid the chaos and as I sat with him I felt comfortable. I may not have any idea how to say anyone’s name or knew what I was supposed to be doing here but I knew what to do with Balraj. I knew how to sit him up, talk to him, and sing to him. And in that hour that I sat with him I found the first beginning of my piece of home in India. I spent many nights in my first 2 months in India on Balraj’s bed, hanging with him and his bud Valor. And when we moved up to the rooftop along with Katherine, Salim, Penny, Valor, and Julie I knew that I had found my little piece of home along with Balraj.

Over the next couple of years that piece of home grew to include more kids, a new home, and Brittany as my co-foster. And despite the growing chaos I always knew I could recenter myself with some stolen moments with Balraj. We spent afternoons on the porch, soaking in the last sunrays of the day and reading books together. Or somedays we simply sat and I sipped chai and did Balraj’s stretches in between sips. Balraj was usually content to just be and gave me the rare gift of slowing down. Balraj was an old soul we always said. He may have never spoken but he had a presence around him that held peace that drew people in.

Balraj was easy to overlook but once you got to know him you came to appreciate his side eyes that he threw frequently, especially when you tried to plop a baby or a puppy in his lap. He had a great laugh and smile that didn’t appear often but when it did there was no mistaking it. He loved to take long walks. One of the greatest things about our move to Anchor was the ability to go on walks easier. No more carrying Balraj and his wheelchair up and down stairs. Although it was much easier before he had a big growth sprout! Balraj also loved a good outing and even though it got harder as he got older we still tried to make sure he got out into the community as much as possible. Balraj saw movies, went to the zoo, went to the park, and once even went to Starbucks and had some whipped cream.

When I kissed Balraj goodbye on my last day in India I didn’t know that it would be the last day I kissed his checks on this side of heaven. My heart wasn’t prepared to let this piece of home go but God has a plan greater then my own. Balraj always struggled with his health. There were many days and nights of breathing treatments and being hooked up to monitors.  This past year was one respiratory infection after another and it all finally got to be too much for his body to handle this past Saturday.

Balraj spent most of his life at SCH and although the injustice of him dying without a family is not lost on me I do feel peace that he died loved. The fact that people are mourning his death and he is not another nameless child who died is a blessing in and of itself. And although it pains me that I won’t see him again I know that his body is finally free from all the pain he has endured. Thomas was never successful by worldly standards but he taught me what unconditional love looks like. The lives he changed through his presence is the legacy he leaves behind. I wrote a blog about Balraj back in February that I was rereading and the last words still ring true to me today and everyday.  “But I do know this. That in a world full of uncertainty and pain that Thomas (Balraj) shows us what it means to love and to be still and let God work through him. And that is a powerful lessons we can all learn from.”

*Updated* Waiting Wednesday: Julie

Julie is a sassy but sweet 10 year old girl who needs a family to call her own! Unfortunately her official age is listed as higher then we believe that she is so Julie only has 18 more months before she can legally be adopted to the US. Up until the age of 18 she could be adopted by an Ind*ian family. After the age of 18 she will be in the care of SCH where she will receive love and care but it’s not a family. I don’t believe adoption is always the answer but in Julie’s case it’s one of her only options. The thought of this sweetheart being without a family makes my heart hurt so much. She is so wonderful and even though adoption is hard and transitioning into a family is hard I know that Julie would bring so much light and love to a family. I updated my original post with some more information after my trip in May 2019. Please contact me for more pictures and videos of Julie.

Julie has hydrocephalus and has a VP shunt that she received 5 years ago. Because Julie did not receive a shunt until she was older she has some physical delays that may be related to damage from untreated hydrocephalus. When Julie first received her shunt 5 years ago she had some medical complications and regressed in almost all areas. With the help of her teachers and therapists she has regained the skills she previously had and has learned and progressed ever since then. Julie’s official age is 14 but we believe that she is younger, closer to 10. We are trying to get her age changed but a family should be open to the fact that she may be a bit younger then what is officially listed.

Julie speaks over 200 words in English and speaks many more in her native language. She understands most of what is being said to her in English and she can identify all of the children and adults in the house she lives in. Julie can count up to 5, identify  basic colors, and answer basic questions. For a long time Julie told everyone her name was baby and refused to say her name. Now she says her name is Julie but her nickname “Julie Baby” has stuck! Julie loves to attend circle time every morning and requests her favorite songs. She can identify a photo of her herself and choose the letter that her name starts with. After circle time she works 1:1 with a teacher on identifying shapes and colors and working on fine motor skills. Academically Julie is around a 5 year old level. Julie loves school and learning. She has made great progress over the years. Julie is very bright- when I walked back in to the home for a visit in May after being away for over a year she greeted me right away and asked me where Caden was! Caden and I were very close (he was adopted shortly before I left) and she not only remembered me but remembered Caden and wanted to know about him! She has seen many of the children she has been with for years adopted and still asked me about them by name.

Julie is a great sister to all the children she lives with. She loves to ask to “hold” the kids, even if they are bigger then her. She will hold babies and the older kids alike and give them kisses. Sometimes we let Sarita and Julie lay on the same bed for a bit before going to sleep. Julie loves these mini sleepovers and gets so excited when we let Sarita her “take care of” Sarita. On nights when she doesn’t have Sarita to take care of Julie loves to snuggle with one of her baby dolls and give it kisses. Julie recently discovered how much fun it is to hang with some of the older girls who live nearby and asks frequently to go and jump on their trampoline. Julie would make a great younger or older sister- she loves attention and playing!

Julie loves to give out kisses and hugs to everyone in the house and always greets visitors who come into the house. It’s not unusual to find her bossing around a new visitor to the house, asking them to get her a book off the shelf or bring a toy to her. Julie is very compassionate towards everyone in the house and likes to be in on whatever action is going on. Nearly everyone who meets Julie uses the words diva, sassy, and sweet to describe her. Julie is well known for her “duck lips” which she pulls out when you ask her to smile for a photo. Julie has a great sense of humor and knows how to make people laugh! She loves to go places, go shopping, watch movies, and dance! Julie asks frequently to go to church and can be found with her scarf over her head, praying, and “reading”. When I was visiting we took Julie to see Aladdin and she kept us laughing the whole time with her commentary on the movie and with her attempts to make the people on motorcycles laugh while we were stuck in traffic!

Working with her PT

Julie gets physical therapy five times a week. She has been working with the same physical therapist for the past 3 years and they gave made some great gains together. Julie and her physical therapist have a unique relationship and her PT knows how to get Julie to participate in therapy even on days when Julie would rather not do anything! Julie crawls as her main mode of transport. She wears AFOs to help stabilize her ankles when she weight bears and to to keep her from developing contractures. Julie can pull into a tall kneel and can pull up to stand from a seated position with help. Julie does not always enjoy physical therapy and can often be found complaining about it and saying things like “It’s too cold” or “Oh my goodness” during PT that keep everyone laughing! Julie recently had a hip surgery to help with hip dysplasia. Her PT and orthopedic surgeon think this will relieve some of her pain and allow her to bear weight easier! She is recovering well from the surgery! Although we are not sure if Julie will ever walk without assistance she will benefit from specially made wheelchairs, standers, and other orthopedic devices that she cannot currently access.

Julie is a very smart child and benefits from structure and routine. We believe in a family with consistent routines and care she would be fully potty trained and some of the attention seeking behaviors we currently see would be lessen with consistent attention and love.

Right before I left to return home to the States I told the kids I would be leaving and going home and not returning. During this time we talked about S, another child who was recently adopted, and how he left with his mommy and did not return. Julie asked during this conversation “Julie’s Mommy and Daddy?” and it broke all of our hearts. It was the first time Julie has voiced wanting a mommy or daddy. Several other kids in the home Julie lives in have been adopted and Julie mourns the loss of them and frequently asks for her own mommy and daddy. Julie has done well and made so much progress in her years at Sarah’s Covenant Homes but Julie needs a family that will love her and help her achieve her maximum potential. A family interested in Julie would need to move fast to complete the paperwork in time but this gem of a girl is worth it!

Family Requirements

• Available to both single women and married couples between the ages of 25-55. Married couples must be married for a minimum of 2 years and couples with more than 1 divorce are considered on a case-by-case basis. Married couples combined ages should not be more than 110.
• No more than 4 children already in the home (Julie could be the 5th child)
• Adoptive parents should be more than 25 years older then the child they are adopting. (This requirement can be relaxed on a case by case basis)
• Cost is between $30,000-$40,000 but there are grants and other ways to fundraise to defray the costs associated with her adoption. Julie is eligible for a $10,000 older child grant through Reece’s Rainbow.
• The process can take between 18-24 months but recently the process has been speeding up and families are getting kids home faster
• Either 2 shorter trips or 1 longer trip to her country is required to finalize her adoption and bring her home.

For more info about the requirements to adopt Julie please click here

For more info about Julie and to inquire about adopting her please visit her Reece’s Rainbow profile

Even if you can’t adopt Julie please share this blog post so that her family can find her! And please pray for a family to step up for Julie so that she can know the love of a forever family.

While Julie waits she needs monthly child sponsors to help ensure she receives everything she needs. Please click on this link for more info or to sign up to be one of Julie’s sponsors!

Thoughts on “Coming Home”

I’ve been back in Texas for about a month now. The closest comparison I can find to coming home is when you put on a pair of jeans that used to fit but now are just a little too tight. You wiggle around a bit, suck your breath in, and finally get them on but it’s not the fit it used to be. You make do but it will never fit like it used to. That’s what life if like for me in the States. Some of my Indian habits are still sticking around. I still want to go turn on the hot water heater so I can have a warm shower. Fruits and vegetables don’t taste right to me after years of eating them fresh and in season. And as much as I complained about how hot the church I went to was during the hot season I miss the simplicity that it offered to me. Somehow I arrived during one of the coldest springs in my memory and I’ve been freezing ever since I got home, my body can’t seem to adjust to the cold after too long spent in a tropical climate.

Sometimes it seems like my time in India was just a dream, like a story that I read and filed away in my memories. And other days I can close my eyes and perfectly retrace the steps I took through Anchor Home every day and still picture the streets of India I called home. I miss the kids so much it hurts some days and I feel guilty for everything I left behind that was unfinished. And I’m having to remind myself that I could have spent the rest of my life there and there would still be things unfinished as that’s just a part of life. Some things on our to-do lists will never be completely finished and I’m learning to be okay with that.

I’m struggling with readjusting to the ways things are done in America. I’m still discovering parts of culture here that I had either purposefully ignored in the past 3 years or just plain missed out on. I learned what it meant to “be woke” and am having to wade through the current political climate and figure out what’s actually going on and what role I need to play. I’m also rediscovering things that I enjoy doing. For most of the past 3 years I lived in crisis mode. There was always something going wrong- both big and small. There was always a sick child, or a child who needed surgery, or we were understaffed, or there was a fight over rice, or we have no power. There was always something going on and I never really relaxed. Even during my time off I was still connected and took phone calls about issues going on. I’m finding it hard to have so much free time on my hands and I want to savor it as much as possible and get over the guilt of having the free time. I’m finding it harder and I have to be purposefully about reconnecting to things I love to do such as reading books or lingering over the newspaper with a cup of coffee in a quiet house.

I’m learning how to define myself without the context of what I did in India. I always tried to keep God at the center of my work in India and not make it about anything else but doing his will. But that’s difficult to do and I slipped often. For 3 years I was Colleen who worked with orphans in India with special needs. And now I’m Colleen who is going to graduate school. That’s a big role shift that I’m having to learn to be okay with while redefining some external parts of my identity. I’m serving the same God in the States that I served in India and what I’m doing now is no less important then what I did there. But I’m slowly processing through what I experienced over the past 3 years and figuring out how to tell my story and teasing out the experiences and lessons that I want to carry with me into the next chapter of my life.

Recently I was talking with a friend who has also recently returned to the States. And she said something to the essence that she wasn’t okay but felt okay not being okay. And right now I’m okay with not always being okay. Sometimes the most random things still hurt, like seeing a Pizza Hut and being reminded of some evenings spent with the kids at the Pizza Hut in India. Or certain smells or songs that remind me of the home I left behind. And that has been the hardest thing, leaving behind a home that was full of memories, people, and places that I had come to love.

So for right now I’m still slowly trying to gather all my thoughts and “renter” into life in the States. I’m getting everything in order to start graduate school in August and slowly reconnecting with the people, places, and memories that I love here. I remember very vividly my last week in India stopping and thinking that this part of my life was firmly closing. Even if I returned to India to visit or even long tern someday things would never be exactly the way they were when I left. I’ve had to grieve for this fact and then finish out that chapter in my life so I could start writing a new one. It’s been hard and difficult but I know this is where God wants me to be. I grieve for the people I left behind in India though. The decision to go to India wasn’t nearly as difficult as the decision to leave. But I’m slowly trying to remake my home here in Texas even if the jeans don’t quite fit right.

Waiting Wednesday: Penny

Penny is the sweetest 8 year old who is in need of a forever family to call her own! Penny has the greatest giggle and the brightest smile. Penny has been in the care of Sarah’s Covenant Homes for the past 4 years and although she is receiving great care she needs a family that is willing to call her their daughter and give her unconditional love.

Penny’s official age is 8 but we believe that she might be a year or two younger. She is small for her age, which might be due to malnutrition or related to her genetic syndrome. We are unsure of Penny’s official diagnosis but several guesses we have are Rubinstein–Taybi syndrome, Angelman Syndrome, or some other genetic condition potentially coupled with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. Penny is also profoundly deaf and wears glasses.

Penny’s joints hyperextend but with extensive physical therapy and leg braces we have

Penny practices standing several times a day 

seen some improvement with her ability to weight bear. She started crawling in the Fall of 2017 and now crawls all over her house. She recently started taking steps when supported at the waist and her physical therapist thinks she will be ready for a gait trainer soon. Now that Penny is on the move she loves to crawl and find her favorite things! Penny loves to find cups that have something in them and is known for her ability to find the one cup in the whole house that has water in it. She will pull up to kneeling to get a cup on a table and has even pulled over a whole mop bucket in her quest to find water! Penny also loves the color green and her favorite toys are green. She doesn’t have good play skills but will entertain herself for hours with her favorite green toys.

Although Penny loves everyone she is attached to “her people”. Recently when her long time caregiver was out of town and myself and her other house mom where out of town to attend a conference she was upset for the 3 days when we were all gone. When we got back she wanted to be hugged and picked up and would cry every time we put her down. Even if she cannot speak she is well aware of the comings and goings of everyone and would thrive in a family with a consistent routine. Penny is currently learning to communicate through picture symbols. She uses pictures squares and was recently introduced to the Ipad where she is learning with the same picture symbols. We tried sign language for a while but she never caught on so we switched over to picture symbols and she does much better! She will use the pictures to request more of an activity and could so much more with consistent speech therapy.

Penny loves to play with shaving cream

Penny has also started to feed herself with her hands and she loves to eat! One of the few times Penny gets upset is if her mealtimes are late. She is drinking out of an open cup with assistance and Penny loves to drink milk, water, and juice. Some of Penny’s other favorite activities besides eating are swinging, going for walks, attending class with her teacher, playing with sensory materials especially water beads, and finding green toys.

Whenever I think of Penny the word joy comes to mind. Penny is the most joy filled child I have ever met. She has a joy that supersedes her circumstances. And she would bring such joy to a family! It will not be an easy journey for her family, Penny will need life long care and there will be challenges, but Penny is a child that helps you find joy in the ordinary and laughter in the mundane task of brushing teeth or changing a shirt. Penny loves to be on the go and would do great in an active family who was willing to put her in a stroller and bring her along on their adventures and everyday tasks. I have known Penny for the past 3 years and it is heavy on my heart currently to find her a family that will love her and encourage her as she grows. She may not be able to verbalize her want for a family but she will thrive in a family and bring joy to a family she can call her own.

Family Requirements

• Available to both single women and married couples between the ages of 25-55. Married couples must be married for a minimum of 2 years and couples with more than 1 divorce are considered on a case-by-case basis. Married couples combined ages should not be more than 110.
• No more than 4 children already in the home (Penny could be the 5th child)
• Adoptive parents should be more than 25 years older then the child they are adopting. (This requirement can be relaxed on a case by case basis)
• Cost is between $30,000-$40,000 but there are grants and other ways to fundraise to defray the costs associated with her adoption.
• The process can take between 18-24 months but recently the process has been speeding up and families are getting kids home faster
• Either 2 shorter trips or 1 longer trip to her country is required to finalize her adoption and bring her home.

For more info about the requirements to adopt Penny please click here

For more info about Penny and to inquire about adopting her please visit her Reece’s Rainbow profile

Even if you can’t adopt Penny please share this blog post so that her family can find her! And please pray for a family to step up for Penny so that she can know the love of a forever family.

 

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Thomas

Looking back over my blog I realize that it is a bit sparse with stories and updates of Thomas, my oldest boy. Not on purpose but Thomas is easily overlooked in our house. He is quiet and steady and if you ever come to Anchor Gold odds are your your eyes might slide over Thomas and never return to him. If you talk to him odds are he won’t respond and if you are lucky you might get one of his fleeting smiles. But Thomas has taught me some important lessons while I’ve been his house mom.

By worldly standards Thomas won’t be successful. He won’t get married, he won’t make a ton of money, he won’t write a book that will move you to tears. He won’t meet the typical definition of success in a world where you are judged on what you have done. But when we moved beyond an earthly definition of success and judge Thomas for his impact on others we can see that Thomas’s greatest success might be teaching all of us who come in contact with him the meaning of unconditional love.

I’ve lived with Thomas for 2 and a half years now. I’ve tended to him during his many lung infections, taken him on walks, carried him and his wheelchair up and down stairs, celebrated his birthday 3 times, and taken him to the zoo. And I’m still not sure he knows me vs any one else. But that doesn’t matter to me. Thomas isn’t defined by what he gives. Because Thomas show me what unconditional love looks like. Love where I only give and get nothing in return. Unconditional love is hard to come by in the world. It’s hard to love someone who isn’t giving you anything in return. But when we are able to give unconditional love we get a glimpse of the Father’s love for us; his infinite, all consuming love that we will never be able to comprehend here on earth.

And Thomas’ greatest impact on this world may be on others. For the younger kids who have come to accept Thomas just as he is and fight over who gets to push his wheelchair. At a young age they have come to know what it means to love and accept someone for who they are. On his caregivers who have loved and cared for him even without getting much in return. For all the volunteers who have worked with Thomas over his past 10 years at SCH, who have taken a moment to sit with him and feel the breeze that he so enjoys. Many years ago a team was praying for Thomas and got to witness his first smile at SCH. And although I have no idea where any of those volunteers ended up I can’t help but think that witnessing Thomas’ first smile must have changed their way of thinking and praying a bit.

Last night at bib!e study we talked about how sometimes things that transpire in our lives have nothing to do with us and everything to do with how they are going to impact someone else’s life. And that might be how Thomas makes his impact on this world. His steady and still presence helps us to recenter in the midst of almost constant chaos that seems to be a part of our life here.

Thomas has lived most of his life at SCH and will probably spend the rest of his earthly life here at SCH. He came when he was 2 years old and he’s 12 years old now. Recently I was rereading our founder Sarah’s blog from the early days of SCH. And scattered throughout was tiny Thomas drinking his bottle and hanging out in his bumbo chair. One blog post about growing old with the children has been on my mind since I read it. Cute little boys grow up to be men and sometimes they still need the same care that they needed as boys. It’s hard to get caregivers and sponsorship for the older children. But Thomas needs people to grow old with him. To see beyond what meets the eye and see Thomas for his unconditional love he teaches us and the power of the lessons from those who appear to be the most powerless. Right now Thomas needs $230/month in sponsorship (And shoutout to my parents and sister who are his monthly sponsors right now). I don’t have any inspiring stories to share about Thomas to convince people to sponsor him but I do know this. That in a world full of uncertainty and pain that Thomas shows us what it means to love and to be still and let god work through him. And that is a powerful lessons we can all learn from.

Be Thomas’ Monthly Sponsor